Here at the very epicentre of all things maritime, Lundunn City Geezers, we get to hear of all manner of things happening out there in the crazy world of nauticalia. Only this morning allatsea’s botty had hardly touched down on the old office chair when news of the latest (and close to home) maritime weather catastrophe filled his screen (ooh madam).
I quote here, for your delectation.
“A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) hit the Essex coast at Clacton on Sea in the early hours of this morning. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”.
The hurricane caused severe flooding in the town causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Jaywick, an area of historic burnt out cars, was six feet under water.
Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Clacton. One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning.”
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Tins of baked beans
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
“Where are you bleeding from?”,they asked, “Romford” said the girl, “wossat gotta do wiv you?”