Press Release for the introduction of the new Type 45 Destroyer:
The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the new
fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the
21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, the ships
will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety
and human rights legislation.
For instance, the new user friendly crow’s nest comes equipped with
wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs
to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the
number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be
on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with
the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and
disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week
in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!
All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will come
equipped with a maternity ward and day care centre, situated on the
same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the mess. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional
reputation for “Rum, Sodomy and the lash”; out goes the occasional rum
ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy
remains. It has been extended to include all ratings under 18. The
lash will still be available on request.
Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours,
except Capstan Full Strength.
The elitist practice of saluting officers has been abolished, replaced
by the more informal “Hello Sailor.”
All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and
Crew members will no longer need permission to grow beards or
moustaches. This applies equally to women.
The MOD is working on a new “Non specific” flag based on the
controversial British Airways “Ethnic” tailfin design, because the
white ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.
The first ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by
Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol
bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the
tune of “In the Navy” by the Village People played by the Royal
The Prime Minister said “Britain never, never, never waives the