Hallo dear readers of this very informative blogging blog site place. If you are a reader of a blog, then, to my mind at least, you are a ‘bleader’ and I shall refer you to you as such for the rest of this extremely important broadcast to you people in ‘bleader’ land.
My name is Tulip Rosebud Ozollowawaa and I am a chief Prince in the Ibo tribe being resident in the town of Onne Harcourt in the Delta region of Nigeria. For many years my family, advisors, body guards, spin doctors and Swiss financial consultants have been judiciously skimming vast amounts of the old Federal wonga off the top of the regional infrastructure development, healthcare and edukashunn budgets and putting it to good use at the Mercedes showroom, gentlemens clubs and beer halls of our fine nation. The lunatics in Abujah have no real grasp of the value of the readies and were sending us far too much to be wasted upon the oiks and chancers of the Delta. My team’s dedicated approach to imposed frugality on the public at large has paid very very good dividends indeed my friends. So much so that we need to export this carefully accrued dosh-pile to the stable and efficient world of Northern Europe. None of that European South Coast lot gonna get their hands on it that’s for sure. Them Spanish Italian Greek malarkey wallahs are not to be trusted. No indeed.
You British are the ones we want to make our wazooma safe and bigger. You slickers in the famous Lundunn City are masters at making rich men richer. I need your services. Unfortunately, there’s a bit of fly in the old ointment. Them suspicious fellows in Abujah have imposed a bit of a squeeze on the fine and bulging Ozllowawaa’s bank account, citing malicious accusations of corruption and stealin’ and things of this false nature. You cannot trust them in Abujah. They’re too busy making excuses about these missing school girls and all that thing going off in the North of the country. They are not really understandin’ the needs of the Delta.
To this end my dear bleader I need to borrow your bank account to facilitate the immediate transfer of the our funds from these shores to yours. I realise this is a bit of an imposition, a bit of a ‘big ask’ as you cockernees say and as a sensible man with his finger on the pulse of the way things are, I will make it very worth your while to do this thing. I will pay you one million of your Quinns pounds for this service. Just send me your sort code, account number, date of birth, name of wife and others, address, PIN and phone number and I will get the old process under way. To help matters along, to bribe these corrupt federal agents at this end, I will need some clean and untraceable Quinns pounds to get them to look the other way. Please send me, in cash, used tenner or twenties will be more better, ten thousands pounds to the followin’ place.
Ozollos Bush Bar, just by the container quay at Onne Port, Port Harcourt, Nigeria.
Thank you my friend.